so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
