It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
