we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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