I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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