I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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