Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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