On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
