OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
