dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
