i would punch a child for taco bell
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
