I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
