The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
