i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
