look no pants
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
