Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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