she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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