I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
