Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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