You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
