So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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