My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
