life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
