yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
