yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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