My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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