he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
