I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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