YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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