Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Randomize
