Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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