I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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