I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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