Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
