Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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