im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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