She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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