guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
