we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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