Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
