I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
