Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
