you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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