DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just found puke in my bra..
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
