and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just pee around me
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
