Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
