Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
