I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
