11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
you had me at cake vodka
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
