I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
