Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
