Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
