I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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